


Protocol Hallonormal

by neko_levi_is_cute



Category: The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: (that was awful), Avengers - Freeform, Gen, Implied Stony - Freeform, Marvel - Freeform, Marvel Universe, WITH THEIR LIVES, ah?, clint gets scared, hahaha, hawkbutt, hawkeye?, he deserves it tho, in which jarvis is boss and scary af, mcu - Freeform, more like REVENGER!, more like hawkass, no just jx, no one insults jarvis, prank fic, they will pay, tony loves revenge, tonys an avenger?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-17
Updated: 2016-01-17
Packaged: 2018-05-14 14:11:37
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,180
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5747422
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/neko_levi_is_cute/pseuds/neko_levi_is_cute
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>No one insults Jarvis and gets away with it. Especially that Hawkass guy.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Protocol Hallonormal

**Author's Note:**

> So I wrote the beginning of this sometime last year and then found it today so I decided to finsih and upload it! Aha. Just a quick crack fic but yeah. I thought it would be funny to see Jarvis playing a prank with his almighty computer power.  
> Enjoy.

"Hng...that Halloween party sucked my sweet-sweet ass." Clint wandered into the kitchen of the Avenger's tower, dragging his feet and feeling hungover and disappointed.

"Do you even remember most of it?" Natasha stared, smirking from where she was sitting with a plate of bacon.

"AH YES." Thor boomed, smiling from where he was attempting to make cornflakes, "AS THE MID-GUARDIANS OF THIS REALM OFTEN SAY, YOU WERE QUITE HAMMERED."

"Thor-" Steve said from where he was cooking the rest of them breakfast, "You need a bowl, not a plate."

"OF COURSE."

"I am _wounded_ Nat. And Thor, buddy, I wasn't _that_ drunk."

"You hid in the corner yelling 'I'm batman' to everyone who came near you." Tony said, strolling into the room. He had a tablet in hand, fingers dancing over the screen faster than Captain America runs laps in the mornings.

"In my defense, I went as batman."

“You went as ginger spice.”

"He also threw pink plastic ninja stars everywhere and jumped off the roof, trying to 'fly like the hawk he is'." Jarvis cut in, his voice dripping with sarcasm.

Tony sat down at the island while Cap served him breakfast, trying to switch his three cups of coffee with something called food.

"You still pissed that I ruined the party Jarvis?" Clint asked, looking up.

"Quite the contrary, Mr. Barton. I am merely amused that you would blame the lack of people on the 'talking thing in the roof'."

Clint remembered saying something like that. He also remembered many people clearing out when he started karaoke-ing to Thinking Out Loud with his own lyrics, written in his drunken daze.

"I stand by that." He said, completely unwilling to apologise, "Nobody likes being spied on 24/7 by a voice in the ceiling and no one’s going to want to come to a party where a computer controls everything. Besides, it wasn't even that good of a Halloween party. There were no jump scares, no spooky tunnels, only pop songs played, no ghost-busters or spooky-skeletons or Lady Gaga. How do you expect me to be pleased with something as completely non-Halloween related as that? The scariest thing I even saw was Tony and Steve screwing in the broom closet!"

"This isn't Hogwarts, Barton, that was my workshop." Tony screeched as Steve turned an embarrassing shade of red behind him.

"So that's what I kept hearing through the walls." Bruce idly commented. He had been watching The Sound of Music in his lab, pretending to be working on a break through while Maria kept getting interrupted by loud “STEEEVVVEE”s.

"If you wanted scary, Mr. Barton, then you should not have come to a children's fundraiser."

Usually only Tony could tell when the AI was offended but now you could hear it in every syllable.

It's safe to say, Clint and Jarvis did not get on very well. When the archer wasn't complaining about something Jarvis didn't do well enough, Jarvis was nagging him to 'stop crawling about the vents or I'll heat them to 100 degrees Celsius and burn you'. They got under each other's skin, which drove the other avengers, especially Bruce, nuts.

"Whatever," Barton said finally, "But I didn't ask to have a stupid AI to be watching my every move."

The kitchen went silent, apart from Thor who was trying to shake the flakes out of the packet with the plastic still closed. But the honest truth was no one called Jarvis stupid and got away with it. Tony wouldn't have it. Jarvis wouldn't have it. And because Jarvis wouldn't have it Tony wouldn't have it even more.

"Protocol Hallonormal, J." Tony mumbled to the wall as he walked out of the room, Steve trailing after him, with his plate still full of breakfast.

"I'd say I'm not looking forward to seeing what Tony's gonna do to you, but I kind of am." Bruce snarked from the corner.

* * *

 

Later that night Tony called every Avenger into his bedroom, locked the doors and closed all the vents.

“Tony, what the hell?!” Tasha mumbled, glaring at the inventor as he brought out popcorn.

“Just watch this.” Tony pointed to the giant TV that had just lit up in front of his hulk-sized bed.

“It’s Clint’s punishing time.” Bruce squealed, hugging a pillow and accidently leaning against Thor who was taking up a surprisingly large amount of bed.

The screen showed Clint, fast asleep and snoring.

“Has he always slept with an arrow plushie?” Bruce inquired.

“Yes and shh,” Natasha grumbled.

“Tony,” Steve said in the soft sweet tone that is his voice, “I don’t think we should be spying on Clint.”

“We’re not spying. We’re observing his torture. Now watch dammit.”

Clint rolled onto his back and as soon as he was facing the ceiling a scream sounded near the door.

The archer sat up in bed, looking around and standing surprisingly quick for someone who was just asleep. That’s a SHIELD agent for you.

“Tasha?” He called out to the darkness, “Are you killing people again?”

Another scream sounded but in the other direction.

“Tony? Bruce?” Clint carried on calling. He walked shakily to the door and opened it but as soon as he started walking through it slammed shut. “Okay, what the hell?”

“Tony, this is mean.” Steve said again.

“No.” Natasha spoke up, surprisingly, “He asked for scary, he’s gonna get scary.”

“That’s the spirit,” Tony praised, watching the screen intently.

“Hey, Jarvis, mind telling me what’s going on?” Clint asked the ceiling, backing away from the door. Jarvis “tried” to reply but all that came out was static.

“I-shhhhhh- B-dshhhhh-gggghhhhh-clint-shshhhhh-help-shhhhh!”

“JARVIS?!” Clint backed away until he hit his closet. The doors swung open, throwing the spy on the floor, and started flapping, reminding him of the monster he’d seen in a horror movie just nights before.

Soon his windows were doing the same thing and his light was turning on and off. Jarvis kept the static rolling and Clint ran to his door, desperately pulling on the handle and yelling for his fellow Avengers.

“TONY! TONY HELP! PLEASE! YOUR DAMN TOWER HAS GONE CRAZY!”

As if that wasn’t enough, a hologram of the girl from The Ring appeared. First near Clint’s bed, but gradually appearing closer and closer.

“TTONYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!” Clint finally screamed, throwing his hands over his eyes and dropping to a ball on the floor, shaking.

“Aaaand, I think that’s enough, J.” Tony said to the AI, who immediately stopped all door-flapping, light-switching and girl-appearing.

“Have fun Barton?” Tony said through a speaker to Clint’s room.

“Screw you!” Clint spat, grabbing his night things and bringing them to the couch in the living area, opposite the kitchenette everyone had eaten breakfast at that morning. Well, except for Tony.

“Mr. Barton, you might find it more comfortable if you pull out the sofa bed.”

“Thanks, Jarvis.”

* * *

 

For the next few weeks, Clint loathed Tony’s very existence but atleast he was now getting on with the one running house. Jarvis. The most terrifying AI ever created. Heck, the _only_ AI ever created.


End file.
